Tonight I'm heading to bed with worry and anxiety once again upon my shoulders. I'm trying for a new job in a new city. The whole process has been one giant leap of faith. I can be honest and say I've put the cart before the horse. Since this whole journey began late in July I've felt deeply that the Lord is going to work everything out.
So far all his words to me have come to pass. I know that the only one who can complete this transfer for my family is Him. I feel a sense of guilt (and I know who grants that great gift) that I can't seem to trust him 100%. That I have to do everything I can to get His job done. I don't want the glory, I just want the job before His timing.
So where does this leave me tonight. I was so anxious that I had to pull out the Word. I started with a ultra fast prayer for an answer. I'm not even sure it was a prayer, but it to took all of two seconds for him to answer me.
In His perfect timing I was reading day 4 passage application from the Fresh Start Devotional from Gateway Church. Page 26. I quote "I have seen many people with dreams of their future, but instead of allowing God to steer them, they try to fulfill those dreams without his help. Then, after years of working and straining, they fall short or their dreams are forgotten."
That's me. Trying to get involved in His deal. Even though the signs He's shown me are beyond coincidence. He has spoken to me, and yet.
James 1: 6-8 But when you ask him, be sure that your faith is in God alone. Do not waver, for a person with divided loyalty is as unsettled as a wave of the sea that is blown and tossed by the wind. 7 Such people should not expect to receive anything from the Lord. 8 Their loyalty is divided between God and the world, and they are unstable in everything they do.
So here I am. Living out this verse, and looking for comfort. Then I looked below at the notes in the Spirit Filled Life Bible page 1895 and read.
1:8 "A Doubled Minded Man is a person drawn in two opposite directions. His allegiance is divided and because of his lack of sincerity he vacillates between belief and disbelief, sometimes thinking God will help him and at other times giving up all hope in him. Such a person is "unstable in all his ways," not only in his prayer life. The lack of consistency in his exercise of faith betrays his general character."
So now I'm more confused. I thought I was on the right path. I have the Word in my heart. But this has discouraged me. The Double Minded Man is not who I want to be.
I shall pray for guidance tonight.
Dear Lord I know that in the big picture of life this job transfer is not earth shattering. I know you have better things to look in on. My daughters health is really the only gift I need from you. But if your will is to move us for greater things for you then please send me a strong word. If by chance what I'm doing is only for this world then please stop this whole deal and place trust and peace upon my mind and family. Dear Lord you have lead the way so far. Please don't let me screw things up. In your name I pray.